I wake up to the sound of rain. When I open my eyes I know that is going to be one of those days. It’s just that nobody told me that there will be more days like these to follow. I feel like a zombie, I look seriously ill. It’s difficult for me to think clearly as I haven’t slept normally for a week but I guess the black circles under my eyes have already implied this. My brain decides to scare the hell out of me with the dream I guess I’ll never forget in many of my lifetimes. How would you feel after a visit from the devil? And after that, my betrayer brain decides to screw with me and blabber the words that should have better been unrevealed, unspoken, buried and forgotten because they’re painful for being uncontrollable. To the point of wanting to drown.
And sometimes I feel absolutely and utterly alone on days like these. Like I’m in some kind of bubble, like there’s a wall of glass between me and other people, like I am invisible. It’s as if I’m lacking communication, socialization. But that’s ok, I’m too proud to ask for it anyway. The numbness will go away eventually and then, I will be alright again.
“There are no problems” she said. “The problems are only in my head” I thought.
There’s no escape from this. There’s blood but no pain. There are thoughts but no words. I feel like my own shadow but even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness.
Clench your teeth and get through it, no one will help you either way. Even if the bandages are soaked with blood.
And sometimes on days like these, I feel like I don’t belong.