It is 9 PM. You have wasted all of your day. As per usual these last few days, as per usual these last few weeks. Centuries? How much time has passed?
You think that it’s been roughly a month since you’ve noticed that you are not really able to enjoy or invest yourself into anything. Blank. Empty. Nothing piques your interest anymore. Nothing seems important. You don’t like the feeling, it’s like being asleep but wide awake and like being buried dead but still alive. You call this the “feeling of in-between” and you hate it with all your essence. There is always a breaking point when it comes to the in-between and it is never pretty. It’s like walking on a rope a top of a skyscraper and you either come out unscathed or drop into a deep depressive episode. There is literally no in-between.
The in-between is like living in a box of a neatly cut glass – everything is smudged and dirty, all the sounds are muted and dull and you are going crazy by the feelings of constant confinement. You are not claustrophobic but this is getting ridiculous. Did someone put a spell on you? An enchantment of sorts to not feel joy and be banished in the realms of constant boredom? Sounds more like a curse to be honest.
Admitting to being an escapist is not that great of an achievement but you would rather fill your head with something rather than let your own mind wander into the depths of your own consciousness. You’ve already learned a hard lesson(s) that that brings nothing but misfortune and pain. Rather be into something than let your mind form a coherent thought on its own. It’s guaranteed self-sabotage.
Every night feels like dying. As if you’re dying from dehydration but at the last minute you get that needed drop of sweet water. As if you’re suffocating and at the last minute you get to inhale a ragged breath. Mornings are all the same with the constant lack of sleep. Days are blurred because they are so similar. Everything could be a one continuous painful day and night, you wouldn’t be able to tell. The best or the worst thing (depends on the day) is that you get to go trough this all alone. Going crazy is probably better when you do it alone though you would like some support at times. Of course, the moment you get it you put up your defensive walls and don’t talk about things that make you sad. You just bury and drown everything inside yourself.
“You haven’t met all the people who will love you.”
Yeah, you don’t doubt that, you doubt everything else.
03:45 AM. No sleep.
You don’t know why you feel so angry recently, it’s so weird because nothing major happened. Nothing happened in general. Nothing to be angry about but you still get these doubts of anger out of the blue and you don’t know why. Forgotten anger issues resurfacing and making themselves known? Hell knows, you don’t. You don’t really know why they arise and appear out of nowhere, it’s like losing yourself in the moment, and madness, and red. Red is all you see at times. Maybe this is because your mind is clamoring with its claws at your subconsciousness as mentioned previously. Maybe it’s digging up things you don’t want to remember anymore, things that you buried so deep that even you forgot about. Things that are better kept forgotten.
The worlds collide at night. Do you ever feel like the only thing that you are conquering is nighttime darkness? If even that.
Will God save you? Even if you don’t believe in it? You used to rely on fate and destiny, thinking everything was already set in stone. It took years for you to break the mold and start thinking that nothing is predetermined. Maybe you just hated the idea of someone/something else being able to control your life. Especially when you understood that it is a complete wreck.
Will God save you? Are you worthy of being saved? Do you even need to be saved? Salvation through repentance and being in sin by merely being born. Being in the wrong right from the beginning.
No, you don’t need more blame. No, nothing can tame you.
“Oh God, I was a prisoner of my reason. I wanted it to set met free through salvation. No, God, there’s no need for divine love anymore because I am no longer a prisoner.”
