Sometimes it’s so scary, I have to close my eyes and ignore it for a while, just in the hopes it will go away. But it doesn’t. Everyone is always telling me that I’m not alone, yet whenever I look back – I see nothing, whenever I try to listen – silence. I got tired of life when I was only 14. Those were some difficult years. While everyone was enjoying their teenage life, I was waiting for everything to end. I never realized how it won’t for a very long time. I struggled, I tried, I failed and then tried again. You can never prepare yourself for how much it will hurt. But once I got better I thought “No, there has to be so much more than this”. But ten years have passed and nothing changed. The old pain has faded away, the new one appeared. Like an uninvited guest. “You’re probably not trying hard or not doing enough” they’d say. But I am.
Waking up and getting out of bed in the morning requires so much energy, you have no idea. It’s an everyday part of your morning routine but it’s a psychological challenge to me. People have no idea what it means to struggle, to relapse, and to condemn yourself because you gave in. How you try your best not to get upset over the smallest details because you’re so fed up with everything, how you try your best to ignore it. Sometimes all of it is just too much for me.
“I take a walk outside, I’m surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, I’m spinning, oh,
I’m spinning, how quick the sun can drop away”
It’s even weirder in the summer, these episodes. It’s hot and bright outside but I’m the same old me. Dark and gloomy. You can’t really blame the weather anymore, you don’t have a valid reason to be upset but you just are. One second I’m resenting everyone and everything, another – I don’t want to be left alone. But it’s just the tip of the iceberg. The darkness swallows you whole.
People say it gets better. I haven’t noticed.