Sometimes it feels that your existence has no weight on her, that whether you’re here or not, it doesn’t phase her at all, like the Earth just keeps on spinning without you having even a grain of impact on her life. Girl is stoic at times alright, puts on a mean poker face in some instances and you’re definitely lost whether you’re just imagining things or is something there, beneath the surface. It’s a very weird feeling when you want a person to be their own but also you want to be the most important human being in their life. Strange how feelings and emotions work. Especially when it comes to affection.
And sometimes, sometimes it feels that she will physically fight anyone who even as so glances at you the wrong way, like she’s a shield between you and the world that wants to do you harm. Sometimes it feels that she will put you first above all, no matter the cost and will carry you in her arms as if you’ve put the stars in the sky. Sometimes it feels like the breaths you both inhale and exhale are mutual and co-dependent.
But the point is – you don’t know what is real. It’s always a thin line with cases like these, you always feel like walking on thin ice or eggshells. Is it friendliness, is it part of the person’s personality, is it just an act? Is it something more? You don’t know. You’re good at reading all kinds of emotions people have but not this. Never this.
“I think about you so much I worry it’s become prayer.”
And even in a huge crowd where there are literally hundreds of people, your eyes automatically look for her. It’s like a reflex now, you just can’t help it. You can’t help but let your eyes wander in search of her, like seeing her will bring you comfort (it does), like knowing she’s there will make you feel more secure (it will).
You want to take care of her, you feel fiercely protective even though you know she does not need it. But it’s your way of showing you see her, you know, you hear. She can take care of herself no doubt but you want to break through that shell, to show that someone wants to take care of her, too. A fiercely independent individual who is absolutely stubborn and has a wall put up. Reminds me of someone.
Funny but we have our similarities even though we’re really different (though on the same frequency). Maybe that’s what bonds us, makes us gravitate to one another.
“Pylades: I’ll take care of you.
Orestes: It’s rotten work.
Pylades: Not to me. Not if it’s you.”
Sometimes you have to physically tear your gaze away from her because she is so stunningly beautiful, you just cannot stop staring at her. Especially when she smiles, it’s the one smile that can light up the room. No, the universe. You always feel like staring right at the Sun, particularly when that smile is directed at you, you feel like imploding and exploding at the same time. Sometimes, in rare occasions, she grabs your hand and holds it for a bit and you can’t help but think how soft and smooth the skin is and how well her hand fits into yours.
You’re a physical touch person so it pains you to live off of crumbs but you take what you get. There are times when you have to constrain yourself from touch and it hurts you more than you care to admit but it’s worth it, you don’t want to make her uncomfortable, you don’t want to get addicted to the feel of her.
“Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you’ve been ruined.”
But it’s probably just your imagination, hallucinations. Wanting things to be true and reading into signs how you want them rather than what they truly are. Wishful thinking that maybe someone feels something for you even though it’s been years since that last happened.
But the thing is, it feels different this time round, not your usual rodeo, not your usual set of feelings let’s say. This is different because you just know (?) that it will come when the time is right, even if you do have doubts at times that make you question whether you’re just gaslighting yourself into something you want, someone to want you.
It’s not the “one that got away” feeling. It’s the feeling of a person, who will fall asleep with you after an exhausting day at work. A person, who will wake up with you and roll around in the sheets together. A person you’ll be making breakfast for. A person who will comfort you when it gets tough in the real world. This is the feeling you’re getting.
But maybe you’re wrong. You’re tired of being wrong, you hope this is not the case.
