Recently, I’ve read that when you are ignored by a person whose attention means the most to you, the reaction in your brain will be similar to physical pain. And God do I feel that, it’s painful on numerous levels. But I try to keep up the façade as best as I can even though the mask slips and breaks on occasion. It’s sheer willpower to be able to balance out what I’m feeling on the inside, what’s gnawing at me versus what I’m showing.
However, sometimes it takes two and all I feel is alone in whatever this is.
I feel like everything I had built up during the last month of “out of sight, out of mind” has crumbled down and it’s even worse than before. It’s difficult to feel the “future” or at least what I see when everything that is being said does not seem to go into the direction I thought it was going. No, it’s the opposite, I’m afraid. Not at all what I thought, everything seems to be going into the direction I thought it would not take, the direction I was scared of. But what do I know. Am I clairvoyant or just delusional? Or just way too naïve and hopeful? I don’t know shit anymore and it hurts so much.
But nothing makes sense, ever.
“You’ve become…distant recently,” she said one day while smoking. “It is worrying.”
“As opposed to what? Close? On a leash? Always available? Always being fucked over by someone? Time and time again, I never learn.”
Sometimes I am just so tired of moving oceans for people who won’t even lift a finger for me.
I honestly hate myself sometimes, I can’t stand it. I want to smash the mirror of the eyes looking back at me, I honestly cannot stand it.
“I’m in my villain era,” I state.
“What does that mean?” she turns to me and asks. The wind is cold and we’re shivering while standing in a shadow.
“That some things die to never to return again.”
My nightmare turns to day. It’s done, it’s out of the bag and not in the way I wanted or hoped, unfortunately. I don’t get anything now, why do I see such a vivid future if it’s not happening? Hopeful, wishful thinking? Delusion?
“You’re acting a bit weird,” she throws at me.
“You don’t know shit about me,” I bite back.
All this talk about the divine timing for it what, to be a smokescreen? Smoke and mirrors? I cannot trust myself anymore, I can’t trust my thoughts and intuition. I thought something was there but it never was, I just wanted it to be, I imagined it and told myself that this is the truth. Trusting my intuition like a false prophet and then burning at the stake. Fuck.
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best
The best of you?
They are but not like it matters.
I feel like everything is crashing down, crumbling. I felt like I knew something and now it just feels that I had a rug pulled beneath my feet. I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know what to do. For someone who doesn’t give up, walking away sounds like the best idea at the moment.
