Something is coming, I can feel it in my cold bones, that something big is coming. Life changing even, I can feel the wisps of energy crackling around me and becoming stronger, I feel that something will happen soon but I don’t know what. Or when. Or how. Honestly, I don’t know anything at this point anymore. I just wait. I sit and wait, sit and wait and hope it doesn’t swallow my soul.
Maybe I’m just imagining it, the feeling of inevitability of something, maybe I just want something to happen so I can turn my life around and get away from everything, for some deus ex machina moment of my life. Maybe I’m just imagining it so something can change, anything. I don’t know anymore.
“One day I’ll return,
The chosen one, under God,
The prodigal son, wreaking havoc
And yes I will get my… revenge“
Is this everything I ever dreamed of? In part, I guess. Sort of. Maybe.
Yet I don’t dream anymore, I have no grand plan, I don’t think about the future, no vision regarding it, I don’t have a secret crazy backup agenda or plan B or C or Z. At best I think a week ahead (if even that), one foot in front of the other because everything can fall apart in literal seconds. It has happened before, many times, too many times for me to count anymore. Therefore, I am learning from my past mistakes by not living in the present and completely ignoring the future. Look at me, doing such a good job at fucking up the simplest of things and taking it too far as I always do. There is no middle ground for me, either the top or the bottom. Either black or white but my life is always in greys and middles.
Truthfully, I’m not that great at looking ahead when it comes to my own life but I can always come up with a solid plan if need be, and usually I can do it fast. This is how I know I will manage to get by somehow, scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’m quick on my feet if that’s considered a skill when your life is falling apart.
“I will focus on me, I will focus on myself now,” I say out loud after working my 9-5 for eleven hours straight.
“You can always find someone better than me,” – I joked one day.
“Well, fuck, it’s not that easy,” she said tentatively, looking me straight in the eye.
What is not easy, which part? Finding someone? Or finding someone better than me? Or neither? Delusions are being delusions and I am just reading into something that is simply not there. But I want it to be, I crave it, I need it. I want to be needed. She said it months ago yet I still carry it with me to this day.
But it’s not there, whatever I want is not there and I am confused whether something is subtle or am I just completely missing the point once again. Probably the latter.
“Take a leap of faith, see where that gets you.” I did. Nowhere, that’s where it took me. Morally, it took me even farther away from what I wanted. Unnecessarily. What happened was completely unnecessary, unplanned and I was not ready for it, the realization that I don’t really matter in that sense. I just probably was not prepared for my illusions to get destroyed like that.
I am running with the demons now cause there is no one. Not the demons that terrorized me during the summer and didn’t let me sleep. The other ones.
Not that everything dissipated into smoke but it definitely shattered my glass of delusion. Maybe that’s what I deserve, maybe that’s what I get for having even a slither of hope that there may be something. Nonetheless, I give up, I cannot do this to myself anymore. At least I got some sort of closure (?), I guess. Time to focus on myself. I belong to myself.
“Maybe there’s nothing I can do
I’m getting nowhere close to you
You’re just a mirage“
Don’t worry, I have survived everyone up to this point of my life, I will survive you, I will survive the grief of you. I have no choice. Time to wake up and smell the roses, or so they say. No plan, no feeling, no mercy. Head empty.
Still, the hands that want to hug me are appreciated but they are not yours.