You were different back then, very different, it’s funny to remember how different you were. An entirely another person, a stranger. You weren’t very confident, very thoughtful, very rational or very logical. Most of the things you did were whispered to you by the heart and rethought by the brain. But your heart (o so you think) dominated more; it won most of the battles you fought and endured. You weren’t accepting of anyone’s mistakes, your own either, you sought perfection in everything. You were stubborn and always a little dull to emotions, like you felt them through a glass or fog. Still, emotions were the source of your strength, you gave them out freely, you were joyful and you weren’t ashamed of showing them. You were never loud but always joyful, you had enthusiasm. You didn’t have a plan; you didn’t know what you wanted from life, you always thought you’d figure it out. You were far too generous, you were kind and you were loyal.
But when people beat you down with something that is not easy to grasp and explain and understand comprehend, you broke inside out. Irreparably. You started yearning for reason, cause and reaction, cause and effect. The most important thing was to truly understand. Logic. Logic was the only thing that could save you. Things happened because of a certain reason, correct? People behaved themselves because they had some sort of an agenda, right? Reasoning. So you learned the patterns, numbers, mathematical sequences, algorithms. You can crack the system and have all the answers. This applies to people and emotions too, doesn’t it? Everything becomes easy when things are predictable. You don’t remember when, but a gigantic chessboard appeared in your head. Strategy and moves, it’s all about being at least two moves, two steps ahead. You changed irreversibly.
You became more rational, even more stubborn (if that was possible). Never taking shit from anybody and calling people out on their lies and flaws. A bit too much so. You became distant, colder, less welcoming. You knew strongly what you wanted from life and people called you arrogant because you wouldn’t settle for less. The definition of confidence changed for you. “Confidence is not ‘they will like me’. Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t‘.”
To be honest, you became a fusion of both later on. You didn’t like it. Split in half. You didn’t like the weakness of feeling, of having your thoughts occupied, distracted. The change was there. No more spare energy to waste on something so trivial. Maybe if you had a chance, then you’d rethink. “Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.”
Time. “The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our time and attention.“ When you realize you’re not a priority, all things fall into place. Time is running out.
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You think about the end of time quite often. And after that you feel the obligation to think about life as much as possible as well. It’s strange; you’ve wasted so much time just to understand the real meaning of it.
Also, you noticed little changes in you; you started doing things a bit slower. You used to cram food into your mouth and run off barely chewing it, grabbing things as ran through the door. You used to drink coffee while running to lectures, hot cup in your hand, notes for the lecture in another. You used to smoke cigarettes one after another so there could be a bigger effect, so you could feel the nicotine faster in your lungs and blood. You used to read page after page of a book, never stopping to think about it, about what it means. You used to kiss as if the person you were kissing would disappear into nothing in a matter of seconds if you ever stopped. Why did you do that? To have more time of course. But for what? You had no idea.
For a time, you enjoyed cooking as much as eating slowly, drawing pleasure from every bite you took. You sipped your coffee peacefully, enjoying the taste and the smell of it, the caffeine in your veins. You barely smoked but you inhaled the smoke in your lungs and waited for it to dissolve, closing your eyes, feeling it. You read books little by little, taking it all in, trying to comprehend every sentence, every word, every meaning. And kissing… Well, you started doing things slower than usual for a short time and you haven’t kissed anyone during that period. But you know, you’re sure that your kisses would’ve been so different as well.
You didn’t have as much time as you used to but you knew that you were spending it significantly better. Sad that it was short-lived.